home depot

Nick OffermanI believe there is a spectrum of Home Depot shoppers.  At one end, there are the people who might go there under duress, and only if there were no other option on the planet.  We’ll call them “Heathers.”  At the other end are the people who go there multiple times a day, they know everyone who works there, they have built houses from the ground up, they wouldn’t survive without Home Depot.  We’ll call these people “Halls.” I fall somewhere toward the middle.  I love it, I go there on weekends, I’m not the least bit intimidated as a woman or an amateur.  I am both fascinated and overwhelmed by the fact that they have everything to build an entire house, under one roof.  That said, I would like to dispel a few myths about Home Depot and the people who shop there.

The Manipulators – “I’m just going to get a couple of tomatoes and maybe a pepper plant.”  This is a lie.  I am guilty of this too so I know.  You are going to walk out of there with four tomato plants, two peppers, six dozen flowers that “need you,” nine cubic feet of mulch, several hundred pounds of dirt, and enough lumber for three raised beds.

The Delusional – “I’m just gonna run in and grab something.”  Bullshit.  The only people that can legitimately say this are the Halls.  They are the ones who are in there covered from head to toe in paint or drywall because they are in the middle of a project and A) they ran out of something or B) they broke something.  They know exactly what they need and where it is.  Stay out of their way.  Everyone else is going to walk in the door and be in there at least 30 minutes.

The Wannabes – These are mostly men in their 40s who think they know what they are doing. They carry large pieces of lumber over their shoulders like they are the only ones in the store. They ignore the forklift drivers and walk around the closed aisle gates because they really need to get that box of carpet tacks.  They will never ask for, or admit they need, help.

The 100 Footers – It’s not just about looks.  Yes, they have the outward appearance of professional lesbians but they also walk the walk.  They have every power tool and they know how to use them.  If you can’t find an available store employee to help you with your project, just ask one of these ladies.  They know where everything is, and they will have some good advice for whatever it is you’re doing.  And don’t argue because you won’t win.  Even if you disagree, just nod and say, “great idea, I’ll try that.”



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