strep-flu-cold-smoker’s cough hybrid

Right now I sound like a combination of Patty and Selma Bouvier, and that hippie Muppet girl.  

I have some sort of virus that I’ve never met before and we are  not getting along.  Sort of like Randy Quaid’s character in National Lampoon’s Vacation.  He shows up unannounced,  unwelcome, and suddenly everything is gross.
First it was just a terrible sore throat like Strep.  Then there was terrible sore throat + fever + my-clothes-feel-like-sandpaper-on-my-skin.  Exit fever and sandpaper clothes, enter coughing.
SO.MUCH.COUGHING
Now, in addition to the coughing and sore throat, there is congestion and sneezing.  Not just cold or allergy type congestion and sneezing but the uncontrollable kind of fluid transfer you see in plague movies.

One side of my nose is stopped up and the other side is completely clear.
1.  Why is all this mucus coming out of the congested side?!
2.  What can’t I feel this happening until it’s on my shirt?!
On the brighter side, I love Western medicine.  I can call my doctor’s office and say, “I was in last week and I’m not any better so can you call in something for me?  I tried some of my wife’s pills (which is technically illegal) and they work for me so I’d like some of those.”  
*sigh*  

Perhaps tomorrow my nose will clear up and my cough will go away and I will start bleeding from my eyes like the good ol’ days.
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