my next brilliant idea
I had dinner with my friend Josh and, per New England custom, the conversation turned to driving and what it’s like in other parts of the country compared to here, and how there’s really no comparison. This led to my genius idea for a new video game, Masshole. (working title – I’m open to suggestions)
In this game you drive your car through multiple, increasingly challenging levels, ultimately trying to earn the title “Masshole.”
You start off as a New England Newbie. This level is primarily to get you used to your car and your environment. Your goal is to find your way to various shops in your neighborhood. You haven’t earned the GPS perk yet so you have to rely on a paper map, and the only street signs are for major roads and highways. There are few road obstructions, mainly pot holes. Also, your horn doesn’t work. That’s a higher level perk. Bonus points if you complete each level within a specified time frame.
Upon successful completion of levels 1-5 you receive the GPS perk and your car’s horn. The GPS makes navigation sooo much easier but not without consequences. Now all of the street signs have been removed and the number of other drivers has doubled, and they are texting. Road obstacles are numerous and now include unmarked construction sites and obstacles blocking the road. Your goal is simply to make it to work and home but you must use a different route each time. Bonus points if you can get other drivers to actually move out of your way when you honk at them.
You goal here is to complete each level without hitting anything. The number of other drivers has doubled again and they are all blindfolded, and texting. Most of the roads are under construction or blocked by other obstructions such as moving vans, funeral processions, motorcycle gangs, bicycles, pedestrians, and wild animals. HUGE bonus points for a) not hitting anything and b) stopping at every Dunkin Donuts along the way. (Maybe include in-game purchases for Munchkins)
Your goal is to make it to Dunkin Donuts, work, the gym, the supermarket, and home. Simple enough but in order to earn the title of Masshole, you must complete the following tasks.
1. You can hit other vehicles, besides bicycles, but not pedestrians or animals. If you hit an animal, bicycle or pedestrian, the title is forfeit.
2. You must bully at least five other drivers out of your way.
3. Do not stop at lights or stop signs, ignore all traffic signs, block all crosswalks and intersections.
4. You must publish the route you took between all your destinations on Facebook.
5. You must “yell” out the window at least one of the following phrases while deeply pressing the horn:
- “Are you waiting for an engraved invitation?!”
- “What do I look like?!”
- “Fucking asshole!” (this is my special taxicab greeting)
- “Pick a lane!”
- “Go back to fucking (insert your favorite location such as Rhode Island, New York, or Canada)!”
Bonus points for completing each level while texting.
Congratulations! You’ve completed the game and earned the title Masshole!